Tag: trans

On Suffering and Bravery

Bravery

Back when I was an undergrad, in my 3rd of 4th year, I grew a benign tumor in the bone of the index finger of my dominant hand. It didn’t hurt as it grew, but it made my finger swell up, so I went to a doctor, who figured out what it was. He told me I should get it fixed within the next 6 months. For the next 5.5 months, it continued to swell and got kind of bendy – in a bad way. Finally, during the winter break, I went to see a hand surgeon. He told me that he would take bone from either my wrist or my hip to repair the bone in my finger. So I went in for an operation, not knowing if I was going to be able to walk properly at the end of it.
Fortunately, my wrist had enough extra bone. Although I couldn’t move my hand at all and my finger had shattered during the operation. It hurt like a mofo. I couldn’t write for the first few weeks of the spring term. And I had to switch to playing the trombone, because I couldn’t push a valve or actuate a string. I was also off my head on pain killers for a few weeks, and behaving in an odd way, and I had a gigantic bandage. When people asked me what happened, I would invent stories about heroics or accidents involving heavy machinery. People called me a lot of things during that time, some of which I was not pleased with.
Nobody called me brave. In fact, nobody called my dad brave when, after 50 years of wearing glasses, he got his eyeballs lasered. He had laser beams shot at his eyeballs, people! And when some of my well-endowed friends decided that their backs would hurt a lot less if they got breast reductions, I never heard anybody call them brave.
People have me called me brave, however, when I came out as queer at a Catholic high school. Well, not at first. First there was harassment. Then there was just being sort of a mini-celebrity whose friends got harassed. (Alas for them.) Then, suddenly, about the time I turned 18, the same people who had been giving me grief for the last four years wanted to tell me about how they respected me. As if I still cared what they thought!

Suffering

Life is suffering. – according to the first of the four noble truths of Buddhism. I find that a bit dark (at least without any context). I mean, life is also joyous and fascinating and boring and everything else. Suffering is certainly unavoidable, though. It’s like death and taxes. Everybody’s life has rough spots.
There are some social groups that are widely perceived as having extra suffering. For example, in America, biracial people, especially those with one black parent and one white parent. There’s a whole genre of fictional representation of this – called the tragic mulato. Writers imagined this person would feel at home in neither race and live a life of misery and sorrow, accepted by nobody and unable to achieve anything of note. Shockingly, this mythology still persists and is believed as truth. You’d think the president of the US would be a good enough counter-argument, but people believe what they want to believe.
Then, gay people were also perceived to suffer terribly. Again, all that ‘outside of society,’ ‘accepted by nobody’ crap. And, I mean, life probably does suck a lot for Ted Haggard and George Reekers. But it doesn’t suck because they’re gay. It sucks because they’re too cowardly to come out of the closet and so they build a giant web of lies and denial around themselves, that ultimately doesn’t just hurt them, it also harms their wives, children and, in the case of those two, society as a whole. Because it’s not brave to come out. Even in Catholic school. It’s a survival strategy. Life in the closet is too hard; it makes you act in strange ways.
Note that in both examples of suffering, there’s nothing fundamentally painful about either state, it’s just that some other people are bigots and might conspire to make your life difficult. And the whole social propaganda model of suffering was not to discourage bigotry, but in fact, to shore it up. None of this was ever framed as, “they suffer so, because of us. We should pack it in.” It was always framed as pity, which is just a hair away from hatred. And also as a warning to try to prevent people from turning gay in the first place or from biracial people from ever being born. This notion of suffering then, served the purpose of strengthening a binary opposition in terms of race and re-enforcing compulsory heterosexuality.
People who advocate for you to get a bunch of pity are not your allies. They deny your agency. They erase anything positive about your experiences. The prescribe social abuse even as they pretend to abhor it. Anybody who describes you as “brave” for existing is tapping in to this same idea. It’s as if they’re saying: “It’s so exceptional that you dare to let us know who you are and where you live, because some of us *wink* *wink* might come after you!” It seems like the more fruitful conversation should be with their peers in privilege, reminding people that sexual orientation or mixed race parentage is a natural occurring human event.
What’s worse is that people who use words like “brave” really do mean well. They don’t stop to think about what they’re saying, because who wants to think about their privilege? If you tell a mixed-race couple that they’re brave for having kids, you’re certainly expressing racism, even as you think you’re fighting it. It’s tough out there for well-meaning, but ignorant would-be allies. Alas, they’re not brave for charging forth and putting their foot in it.

Trans People

Much like it’s uncomfortable and awful pretending to be the wrong sexual orientation, it is similarly unfun pretending to be a gender that doesn’t work for you. Discrimination and violence also suck a lot, and there’s an unfortunate amount of that about. Fortunately, at least, dysphoria is something that can be dealt with. The process of transition is something of a journey, but it’s towards a happier goal. I feel good about it and I don’t think I’m alone in that. When I see trans people talk about the steps their taking along this path, they mostly are happy and excited, if sometimes also nervous.
Some of us have had a rough time getting to where we are now. Some haven’t. Some phrases about suffering do get repeated a lot, though, even by trans people. This could be because the speaker did have a hard journey. It could be out of a misguided confusion where they imagine the road to acceptance has pity as a way point. In some cases, it’s gotten in to the public discourse because shrinks mandated it in the script that trans people had to recite to get access to treatment. Everybody learned their lines. We say what they want us to say, they give us our HRT. It’s annoying and unhelpful, but you do what you have to do.
Some trans activism really is brave. People who fought the police at Stonewall, for example. But just going to the clinic? It could be a personal milestone in the life of that person. You know, and you could congratulate them, like you would a gay person coming out. Or like you would somebody at a baby shower. Give them support appropriate to the amount of closeness you have with them. But don’t assume we suffer. Don’t call going to the doctor brave.

Writing Letters

Ok, so this arrested couple in Malawi has been in the news lately. To quote the New York Times, “A gay couple in Malawi sentenced to 14 years in prison for ‘unnatural acts’ . . ..” The good news: they were pardoned! Yay!
The bad news? From the same article, “Late Saturday, Mr. Chimbalanga, who has said he considers himself a woman in a man’s body, and Mr. Monjeza were released from custody.” What the fuck is this? I don’t even . . .
The AP Stylebook has fucking rules about how you talk about trans people. They do not include referring to women as “Mr.” nor “he.” Nor do they involve referring to man/woman couples as “gay.” That sentence above is the most ungendering piece of shit they’ve yet to turn out this century. Yes, he might consider himself a woman, but here in New York, we certainly know better! Because, apparently, Africans are not worthy of having their identities recovered? Or is the NYT just looking for any excuse to be transphobic in general?
Alas, the Times is not alone in this shit. I highly encourage you to write letters to any newspaper you see that disregards the gender identity of Ms. Chimbalanga.
Seriously, we in the first would want to be all moral high ground about this, but our newspapers can’t seem to manage to respect her either.

To: letters@nytimes.com
Subject: AP Stylebook Guidelines for referring to transgender people
Dear Sir or Madam,
In your article, “Malawi President Pardons Gay Couple” (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/30/world/africa/30malawi.html?partner=rss&emc=rss), you mention that one of the people arrested, Ms. Chimbalanga, identifies as a woman. The AP Stylebook has guidelines for how to refer to transgender people. It does not include referring to transgender women as “he” or “Mr” nor does it include referring to man/woman couples as “gay.” I have no idea what your motivation is to entirely disregard and disrespect this woman’s identity. It is entirely inappropriate and you should know better.
Thank you for your time,
Charles Celeste Hutchins

IDAHO

Why is the International Day Against HOmophobia and transphobia abbreviated to IDAHO and not IDAHOT? The whole “hahaha the T is silent” thing is supposed to be a joke. If they’re serious about the leading ‘I’, then it’s surely not important that it shares a name with a state that few people have heard of outside of the US.

The big action in my town was a kiss-in. I planned to go, but then I didn’t. I mean, if I go and kiss a woman, then I’m a straight guy kissing a girl, which is just such a massive show of privilege. If I go and kiss a boy, it reminds of me of being in high school and wishing I were a straight girl and the uncomfortable kisses that resulted from that. meh. I don’t want to pretent to be a cis gay guy.

This might be unfair. Maybe it wasn’t like that. I can’t say for sure, as I didn’t go. But still, I don’t think a kiss-in makes a lot of sense in the context of fighting transphobia.

I like cis LGB people (some of my best friends are . . .) but I’m increasingly against hitching my wagon to their quest for rights. Like, absolutely, they should have full civil rights, and trans people should stand in solidarity with that. Heck, a lot of trans people are LGBQ. But when all trans people stand as a subgroup of LGB people, we’re totally invisible.

On the other hand, if we just had an IDAT, how many cis LGB people would even notice or mention it? It’s not like many of them go to TDOR, although most trans people I know go to the vigils that result when a cis gay man is killed – vigils which also say they’re against transphobic violence, but then only have cis speakers.

I don’t want to be a hater about this. Homophobia is bad and I’m against it. Transphobia is also bad, but if you don’t really want to talk about it, then just don’t mention it at all. Most twitterers have completely neglected the silent, invisible T. So, if transphobia is totally beside the point, then don’t bother bringing it up in the first place. I’m tired of being disappointed and invisible.

Pre-operative Consult

Three weeks ago, I had an appointment to meet my surgeon. It was at St. George’s Hospital in Tooting. The hospital seems to be a new construction or has recently been renovated. The landscaping had not yet been planted, and I passed some heavy equipment outside. Inside was nice, but had confusing hallways, like all hospitals must. I found my clinic quickly. There was a guy I knew in the waiting room, waiting to see the same surgeon. He had gone online and found some pictures of the surgeon’s work and talked to a happy recipient of the same surgery, so he was very positive about her. After a longish wait and a nice chat with my friend, I was ushered into her office. She examined me, told me what sort of operation I’m to have and talked about recovery times.
She asked me to take off my shirt and produced a small tape measure, which she used to measure the distance between my neck and my nipples. One of my moobs has always been more droopy than he other, something exacerbated as testosterone has slightly (not entirely, alas) deflated them. “You’re quite asymmetric” she said, which suddenly called to mind the time I got my left nipple pierced. The piercer had gotten it crooked and had blamed it on my having “weird nipples.” It’s a good thing I already wanted to get rid of the moobs!
Anyway, what will happen is that the surgeon will cut off my nips, remove extra moob from around where the nips were, then re-attach the nips and sew it all back up. This method leaves minimal scars. I forgot to ask if I would have any feeling in any temporarily amputated parts, but it seems unlikely. Alas for that, but it seems like a worthwhile trade off and it’s possible that feeling may slowly return over time. When I had a tumor cut out of my finger, years ago, the top of my finger was numb for a couple of years, but is now normal. 

The surgeon explained that given my existing asymmetry, I should expect to have some later and cautioned me that if I got out a tape measure, I might be disturbed. (Buck Angel, who has a perfect chest had greater asymmetry than I, but he went to a Hollywood doctor and paid a small fortune. As I’m getting this for free and don’t plan a career in porn, I’m pretty ok with this.) So I will be keeping my odd nipples and my lopsided chest. Whatever. At least I’ll be able to cavort around topless and even do wild and crazy things like wear T-shirts. 

Any surgery carries an infection risk, which she didn’t seem overly concerned about. And there’s some chance my nipples would fall off, which, thankfully, is very rare. She blocked out 2 hours of operating room time, but it should be quicker than that. I’ll have to stay overnight in hospital. So the risks are acceptably low and I’m happy this is coming, but it is more serious and invasive than I had realised. 

I can expect to feel really shit for a week. Because Xena pulls on her lead, I probably can’t walk her during this time. Then, I can’t lift anything or do any exercise for 6 weeks. So no gigs for me, unless I get a roadie. I’ll also need to wear a post-surgical binder. She explained that the NHS did not currently fund the one she thought was best, although she’s been pushing for it, so I should try to buy my own. She cautioned me that it will be kind of pricey. How much? I asked. Around £50. She explained that if I couldn’t afford it, they could provide something else and I shouldn’t worry about it. So I’ll be that much out of pocket, plus the £7 copay on whatever pain killers. My first new T-shirt is going to say “God Bless the NHS.”

The surgeon asked me if I had anymore questions and I asked why she goes by Ms. rather than Dr. She told me that she, like all surgeons, was qualified as a doctor. But then she had done several extra years of training to qualify as a surgeon. It’s customary for surgeons to go by Mr or Ms to signify their greater level of training. She also said it had historical roots from the old days when surgeons/barbers had entirely different training than doctors, who just did bloodletting and prescribed drugs. It’s kind of weird that her profession is descended from shaving beards. I did not bring up Sweeney Todd, but I thought of him. 

After answering all of my questions and whatnot, I was sent off to have “before” pictures taken. The NHS documents everything, she explained. I got somewhat lost on the way, but a helpful woman noticed me looking lost and offered directions. On the way to the multimedia department, I passed several classrooms and a student examination in progress. St. George’s is also a medical school.
The multimedia department had a proper photo studio with lighting and backdrops. I had to sign a consent form which asked if my pictures could also be used for teaching. I said they could. The photographer explained my face would not be in the pictures. I told him that I had recognised somebody’s before pictures from his tattoos. The photographer looked surprised by that idea and I suspect may bring it up at a future meeting. For the pictures, I had to face different directions. It felt like I would imagine how getting a mugshot feels. 

And that was it. I went home. About 2 weeks later, I got voicemail scheduling my pre-op appointment, which will be 15 June. The operation will probably be two weeks after that, I think. I don’t know. It’s hard to plan things when I don’t know dates, but I’m pretty happy.

I Changed my Name Today

I am now, legally, Charles Céleste Hutchins. (But you can keep calling me Les). I changed my name via a device called a statutory declaration. Rather than hiring a solicitor to draft the document, I used a web form at Press for Change and added a spot at the bottom for me to sign. I printed it out and then called around Solicitors in my area. One of them told me to just pop by.
A woman there looked at the form and had me sign it in front of her. My signature is wonky as I’ve never signed “Charles” before. Then, she she asked me to raise my right hand and swear that the contents of the form were true and correct, so I did so, feeling kind of goofy. She then filled out her part and stamped it. I paid £7 for this, which is apparently the going rate.
There are several ways you can change your name in the UK, but this kind is the only one recognised by the US embassy. I also need to show that I’ve been using the new name, so I called my phone company and will need to mail or fax them a copy of the form. Tomorrow, I’ll go to my bank for a new checque book and then my GP for a new NHS card. Those three documents should be enough for me to get a new passport with my new legal name. I will also need to inform my university and documents that they send me would also count for the embassy.
This is a lot easier than changing at home would have been. I’m quite pleased.

The NHS said yes

On monday, I had my second appointment with the gender clinic at Charing Cross (which moved to Hammersmith in 1973). The doctor tried a bit too hard to be charming as he asked me all the same questions as I’ve been asked innumerable times.
He wanted to know my family tree. Do I have any LGBT family members? What’s my first memory of gender issues? At what age did I leave school? Do I have any friends? (Would they lend me £20 if I asked?) Do I take drugs? Etc etc etc
He also asked me the last time I wore a dress. “That includes weddings and funerals.” I can’t remember. I know I put one on occasionally as a joke at Mills. Nicole said it made me look like a footballer in drag for a comedy skit. As it happens, I’m not really into cross-dressing, and I’m not really genderqueer these days. But the question is troubling for transmen who do like to drag it up a bit. It’s even more alarming for those dealing with intense family pressures. Do we want to force people into being ostracized so they can get the treatment they need? I don’t know what would have happened if I’d said less than 2 years rather than guessing 15.
But, as it worked out, he said I will be having top surgery “rather quickly.”!!!!! As soon as my PCT approves the funding. I asked if being here on a student visa was going to be an issue and he pointed out that they were already paying for me to talk to him. He said that the primary concern of doctors is what’s best for their patients and described the NHS as a vast left-wing conspiracy.
This was one of those moments when I really love Britain. God bless the NHS! The good doctor also suggested that I become British. I’d love to.

Advice for Migrant Trans People in the UK

The doctor also gave me a very useful bit of advice, that I need to double-check with my university, but which sounds very good. He said that I could change my name in the UK and put off changing my name at home until it’s feasible. He says there is no problem having one legal name and gender in one country and a different name and gender in another. I need to verify that I can still get my uni to give me the right forms to extend my student visa, but I think their non-discrimination statement for trans people means they will be willing to deal with the two names problem.
Of course, it’s not ideal to carry around a US passport with name change documents. What I need is government-issued ID, ideally with the right name and gender. He told me that I can apply for a provisional drivers liscence. I do not need to learn to drive, it’s basically a permit to learn which doubles as a photo ID. He said he knew of a blind person who had one. It stays valid for years and counts as proof of legal residency and can be used as a travel document (instead of a passport) within the EU. He is going to post me a letter which I can use to get the correct gender markers.
I don’t know if I’m happiest for finding out I’m getting top surgery or for finding there’s an easy solution to my paperwork disaster. I’m also wondering if I can use British documents to bluster my way through getting stuff changed in the US. To change my name in Alameda County, California, I need to publish a notice in the newspaper and then get on a 4+ month waiting list to appear in person, in court. It would be a hassle if I wasn’t abroad. Changing my gender on my US passport is even more of a hassle, to the point whre I think becoming a British citizen might even be easier.

Dating

Because life goes on and that, I posted a personal ad on a dating site that I’m not going to name here. And so I went on a date. With a straight woman.
She seems like a nice woman and may one day read this, so I’m not going to talk about her here, but I do want to talk about the evening.

Yes, seriously

Back when I was a lesbian, I knew to stay away from straight girls because of straight girl syndrome. Some straight women will treat lesbians as a lark or an experiment or a distraction, which can be bad if you get your feelings caught up in. Better to stay away.
But I’m not in that position anymore. I’m a man who likes women. And I’ve limitted myself to bi women, but that’s a small population of people, in comparison with the larger pool of all women who like men. There are just a hell of a lot of straight women around; many of them are good looking; many of them are good people, so why not give it a go?

Did she know?

So, when to disclose? There are a lot of people who have never knowingly met a trans person. And there’s a whole lot of negative stereotypes, misunderstanding and transphobia in society. I suspect that many people would reject a trans person out of hand, motivated by ignorance, rather than malice. (Of course, these two things can be hard to tell apart.) Therefore, I decided I’d rather be evaluated on my merits or lack thereof and thus not disclose on my personal ad. And If I say something on the first date, it would overwhelm any other get-to-know-you blahblahblah. So my current plan is to disclose on the third date or before serious snogging, whichever comes first.

What happened

So I was sat across from my date and we were talking about our pasts. But this thing about who I was and who I am runs through my past like a mighty river. My queer identity is fundamental to my sense of self. And yet, apparently, I’m also straight.
The jacket I wear most often (but not that night) has a badge on it that says “transgender.” I hate discolsing. But more, I hate not disclosing. It’s unnerving. And it’s even more unnerving, when I try to talk about what I’m doing with my life. I joined the London Gay Winds, because, um, I wanted to play tuba, and um. I go to a queer bar because it’s fun and um, my band has played there a few times.
I feel that my presentation of heterosexuality is not credible. And so I was unnerved.
Both I and my date have both been divorced and so we talked a bit about that:
Me: So I was married too.
Her: You got married in the States?
Me: In Canada, actually.
Her: Why did you get married in Canada?
The real answer is because same sex marriage was legal there but not at home. Which I probably should have remembered before automatically saying “in Canada.” Normally, it’s a pretty good story. It ends with the first same sex divorce in the state of California. But, since I’m not discolsing, I now need a dfferent answer to something that I shouldn’t have brought up.
Me: For the Elvis impersonator!
It felt like lying. And probably made me look like a nutter. But, I mean, that chapel employs the best Elvis impersonator in Canada, so . . . yeah, I looked like a nutter.
And because we had been talking a bit about how marriage interacts with legal residency status:
Her: Was that valid in the states, then?
Hahahaha, well, it should be according to international law, but the Defense of Marriage Act had been interpretted to mean that the US can ignore international same sex marriages, which, since it’s a treaty violation, makes that application of DOMA unconstitutional. But it was good enough for a divorce, so:
Me: More or less

And

In the bad old days, being trans was like joining the witness protection program. You had to change your name, leave town and lie about your past. You weren’t supposed to tell anybody, or doctors could retaliate by taking away your hormones, which has serious health consequences. In these more enlightned times, the NHS just makes you change your name, but you don’t need to move or be stealth. And, god, how could I? I went to a women’s uni for my undergrad.
But really, I don’t know if the unnerving bit is trying to pass for straight. Or that I seem to be succeeding at it. Or that it’s what I might be now.
A man and a woman out on a date. What could be more heteronormative than that?

Terre Thaemlitz says

When I look at members of the transsexual community who are actively seeking out physical alteration of their bodies… on the one hand, of course, I have this anti-essentialist reaction against it – that it’s about transforming bodies towards something that is, in the end, I think, conservative. But on the other hand, I do have this envy of their body transformations, which I feel are beyond my capacity. And part of that is because of the mythology in the media about the beautiful, successful transsexual. Because that’s who you see in the media. You don’t see the people who got totally fucked up, and look totally fucked up – which I would say are the majority.
— The Laurence Rassel Show “On Transgendered Authorship”

Terre Thaemlitz thinks that “the majority” of transsexuals “look totally fucked up.” And published an mp3 saying so. Why should we care what this Julie Bindel-wannabe thinks about trans people? Because Thaemlitz is one of two serious composers that I know of who are out as trans.
Yes, he says, “I’m a transgendered identified male (both my transgenderism and maleness are documented in different public spheres)” (http://www.chaindlk.com/interviews/index.php?interview=TerreThaemlitz) No, that doesn’t mean that he’s ftm. He’s a very subversive guy who dresses up like a woman sometimes in order to fight patriarchy. Or something. I’m not being terribly respectful of his identity in that description, but I’m afraid I’m infuriated by his failure to respect mine.
And terribly, terribly disappointed. I wrote about this guy in MA thesis and thought he was awesome, especially since he was not only out as trans, but tackling trans issues head-on through his work. He would show up to very technology-based music institutions in Germany and give lectures that were full of gender theory. He, like me, wants cis people to have to think about gender sometimes and how it’s constructed. Heck, the purpose of this project I’ve quoted from is purportedly, to “[deal] with issues of authorship and copy-left from feminist and transgendered perspectives.” (Ibid) But for him, despite using a plural form on “perspectives,” I guess there’s only one legitimate gender position and that’s his. People who transitioning are “reactionarily conservative,” passive victims of the “medical industry” He says, “The transsexual community that focuses on transitioning the body . . . in the end, it’s capitulatory.” (“On Transgendered Authorship”)
He says, authoritatively, as a cissexual,

For me, transgenderism arises out of the problem of not fitting in. and it comes out of those crisis – not only a gender crisis, but a larger crisis of social relations. It’s not so much a crisis of the body, which Gender Identity Disorder and the medical industry want to present it as being about.(Ibid)

It’s really great for him that he’s never experienced dysphoria. But he goes from “I’ve never experienced dysphoria,” to “therefore it must not exist.” Well, a lot of men have never experienced any kind of trans identity. So if bloke A has never experienced wanting to cross dress, does that mean that it also doesn’t exist as a valid perspective?
A big part of Thamelitz’s problem is that he sees trans a a radikewl thing to do. A way to challenge patriarchy. Alas for him, my goal is not to “[indtroduce] a new breed of masculinity into the male workplace, into the male social structure.” (ibid) Heck, I don’t think my masculinity is especially new or in any way subversive. Indeed, I object even to the idea of “the male workplace.” Alas, the gender balance of some workplaces is not ideal, but I can’t imagine terming any place the male workplace. What kind of feminism and transgenderism in this, pushed forward by a male-identified man? I’m starting to think he doesn’t actually understand what these words mean.
The piece I really loved from him before dealt with problems faced by intersexed people, who were often forced into surgery as babies, which was treated as an emergency when it was not at all life-threatening, just a social crisis. But now I fear he doesn’t see IS people as people, just as symbols of non-gender essentialism. Living examples to prove his theory. The ultimate gender queers. And I wonder why he feels like he has to exploit trans identities and IS identities to prove his point.
This is profoundly disappointing and an example of how divisions can be sewn among trans people. If there are multiple perspectives, one of them must be wrong, because I can be the only right one. And in his case, it’s not enough that he be the only true transperson, he has to fall into a load of transphobic, sexist, and transmysoginist language. Does he really think he isn’t just repeating a tired old trope when he says that transwomen are ugly? Trust me, this idea has been well circulated previously. It’s tiresome, untrue and sexist as hell. Judging women by their appearance is not feminist. Maybe the reason the German government backed out of broadcasting this is not because feminism is not “sexy” (http://www.chaindlk.com/interviews/index.php?interview=TerreThaemlitz) but because he’s failing at it.
Terre Thaemlitz, I used to think you were cool.

Writing my godparents

This is a draft of the email I’m planning on sending to my godmother and her husband:

Dear M and K,
When I saw you last week, you might have noticed that I look kind of different and that I’m going by a different name. I began transitioning from female to male in December of 2007 and since that time I’ve felt much happier and at ease with my self. Because I’ve been abroad so much and because it’s kind of a difficult conversation, I have put off telling people who are important to me, like yourselves.
Last December, I went to see Chuck, thinking I should tell him that I was planning on changing my first name to Charles, but it seemed awkward and I didn’t bring it up. I don’t know how he would have reacted at first and I thought I had more time and could bring it up later.
I should not wait to tell the people I love about something this important. I’m changing my first name to Charles and making Celeste my middle name. I’m asking people to call me “Les,” but “Charles” is also ok. I’m also asking people to use “he, him, his” etc when referring to me.
If you have questions, I can try to answer them, but a lot of things are difficult for me to explain. However, a writer named Jennifer Finney Boyland has written her memoirs about transitioning in the other direction, and, while it’s her story and not mine, she explains things better than I think I could. The book is called “She’s Not There.” Also, PFLAG has information for family and friends of transgender people: http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=380.
I don’t think I’ll be back in the south bay before I fly back to England on the 16th, but I will be back in California for a bit around Christmas. It would be good to see you then.
Love,
Les

I realized I was kind of avoiding them, despite them having been part of my life since I was born. I was ok to go to a post-funeral dinner with a jerk that I hate, but I was shunning people that I love. Life is too short to be stupid like that.

I promised more blogging

I haven’t written about gender stuff for a while. I finally had my appointment with the Charing Cross Gender Clinic, after months of waiting. Fortunately, the shrink had actually read the amusingly stupid report from the previous shrink, so I was not forced to recount my childhood yet again, just a few details of it. I don’t know why they care about it. Some trans people aren’t dysphoric at all before puberty. Heck, some aren’t really dysphoric until well after puberty. And I hate that my unwillingness to skip rope is considered a sign of being trans. It was mostly a sign of being a huge nerd, something that was not tied to gender at all. I was awkward and unathletic. I also was unable to protect my face during dodgeball and hated it too. Does that mean I’m really a girl after all?
They need two appointments before they will give me a referral and they’re understaffed, so appointment number 2 is in february. I might be able to call occasionally and see if something sooner has become available, but I don’t want to feel guilty about queue jumping, so I might not. The UK economy is kind of fucked, so maybe I should just pay privately, especially if I can get a part-time job.
All the gender stuff is still really vital to me, but I just don’t want to talk about it. Somebody on a website had a go at me a few weeks ago about my gender issues and history and it really sucked. So I quit posting anything of import there and I’ve quit posting here and I quit seeing my shrink when T died, but the not-talking-about-it school of dealing with life seems to work as well as the talking-endlessly-about-it approach. After a while, it all gets boring. My cousin had a book called “After Enlightenment, the Laundry.” Like, no matter how fascinating your current thing is, after a while, the mundanity of real life reclaims the center stage.

Speaking of which

In my real life, shortly after I gave my concert in May, my dad came to the UK for a month. He stayed down the street from my flat for a bit and traveled for a bit and then we went to Ireland together and then he went home. In July was gay pride and a bunch of other stuff that seemed to suck up all my energy and now I can’t even remember what it was. Helen and I cycled in a big loop around the Isle of Wight, which was nifty and very hilly. I love biking. August is going to slip quickly past.
I joined a bad called Helen’s Evil Twin. I’m the bassist, so I’m in the non-acoustic line up. My first gig with them is on August 13th. As it happens, this is a high profile gig and a large percentage of people I know in London will be there.
In other news, I’m trying to get caught up with where I should be in my PhD, but this is making the writers block thing worse instead of better. It seems like everything I write takes a long time and then comes out boring. I should write a whole huge amount of stupid crappy pieces, just to get going and then pick the good parts from all of them and combine them into one good piece. Or something. I’m worrying too much and I think I need to do a masterpiece or something. I keep reading about symphony composers from a hundred years ago, and they’re all geniuses who write masterpieces and spend years on them and say something really meaningful. Intellectually, I’m against that, but intellectually, I’m against a lot of things that I can’t actually seem to shake free.
And now, here’s a boring blog post to go with my boring attempts at music lately. I had a conversation with a guy a couple of years ago about how he would rather be crazy and write good music than happy and boring. I’m happier than I was when I had that conversation, but I think I would have ended up musically boring either way.