Tag: trans

What’s the deal with mumsnet

I wrote this and posted it to Mastodon less than a fortnight ago. Here it is again on my blog, with some minor edits and updated with recent events.

What is mumsnet and how did it get like this

Somebody may have written a proper paper on this, but I want to speculate briefly on how mumsnet happened, which hopefully might point towards preventative measures.

Cis Britons know mumsnet as a webforum for mothers. However, over the last 20 years, it has gradually turned into a highly influential transphobic hate site, while also still being a major, mainstream site for especially new mothers.

The site launched 30-ish years ago, when webforums were still exciting. This was during the digital divide era, so the initial culture was established by middle class women.

It exists partly as a response to some cultural problems in the UK. The thing about England is that people here hate children. Loathe them. This is not a joke. Indeed, even more than people hate children, they abhor babies. At most venues, indoor smoking is more welcome than babies. There aren’t really that many places that people staying home with new babies can go.

Also, despite national myths, England is as sexist as America. New mums are specifically vulnerable to this. They’re cut off from their normal support networks. For natal mothers, embodied aspects of childbirth also bring the full weight of “women are icky” down upon their heads.

So, are you feeling lonely, isolated, disempowered, at odds with your husband who suddenly has some traditional ideas about nappy changing or whatever? Well, here’s a place where you can go to talk to other people just like yourself! Other lonely, aggrieved, relatively wealthy, entitled (but suddenly cut off from various forms of power) people, trying to figure out how to navigate a very hostile system. Share stories! Trade tips! Organise!

Politicians started having to go talk to mumsnet to win voters. This impacted policy. Political organisation on the forums worked!

This is rather a lot for a chat board for mothers, which, by design, was never intended to address parenthood (let alone personhood) more generally. For example, its not intended for men on paternity leave, who also have the same isolation and hostile systems (although not the same kind of sexism). People of other genders who have given birth have to deal with a highly gendered space if they want to join. Adoptive mums have their own battles on the platform. And it only solves part of the problem it’s tackling: people meeting up online are still isolated from face to face connections.

However, the evolution from social space to political space also created additional problems which the site did not address. Decades ago, Jo Freeman wrote ‘The Tyranny of Structurelessness‘ which describes how consciousness raising groups (women’s mutual support groups) did not transfer well to being political groups, because political groups need to be organised in ways that acknowledge and account for power relationships. Mutual support groups can kind of ignore those, but as soon as they try to go out and do something, systems of oppressive power are replicated, cliquiness and/or bullying arises. Mumsnet has all of those problems at mass scale.

Finally, the biggest problem of all, especially as mumsnet moved into politics: it equates womanhood with motherhood.

Despite or perhaps because of these flaws, it was still a lively discussion platform. It became a major centre for discussion of ‘women’s issues’ and feminism. The political forums of the site started to attract women who did not actually have kids. This creates a structural tension, as we have a definition of womanhood essentially rooted in giving birth, but also a population of invested users who have not and will not do so. Part of the project of the forum therefore includes navigating that tension – the definition of womanhood is inherently under negotiation in the space. Middle class white feminists want in, so they need to redraw the boundary so that a different Other is excluded. This discussion is also taking place where many of the participants are entitled but isolated and vulnerable. Some people in this position are searching for an Other to blame. Men are an obvious target, but not a safe one. The pre-existing tradition of British terfism, already popular with some of the political participants, provided an answer to all of these problems.

In retrospect, it seems inevitable it would turn into a hate site. Indeed, every social site eventually turns into a hate site if it is popular and not moderated. Mumsnet moderators did a calculation of how many haters loved the site, how many people didn’t care about the issue, and how many trans mums they were driving off. The compromise they came up with was to keep the hatred relatively contained in radioactive corners of the site. And this has worked great. It’s still a major site for mums. It has developed terfism from a fringe concern to the UK’s mainstream feminism. Everyone (that matters) is happy.

The Supreme Court

In the time since I originally wrote the above, the Supreme Court of the UK has issued a ruling on gender. The influence of mumsnet has reached the highest court – the official definition of womanhood is now cemented in mumsnet logic.

I want to very strongly assert that this really is mumsnet’s victory. It is not a coincidence that the hatred and arguments hashed out by connected, professional, influential, posh women has changed government policy in very real ways that have real impacts on other women, men and non-binary people.

A good reputation

After writing this, I had dinner with some cis friends who are parents and tried broaching the topic of whether mumsnet might be problematic. For many cis people, the success and affordances of the site vastly outweighs the minor inconvenience of trans people losing their human rights.

Do try talking to your friends, sure, but it may not be enough and this may be something trans people may wish to delegate.

Solving the problem

So, what do we do? When they had their billboard co-advertising campaign “Brand X is endorsed by mumsnet”, I wrote to several of the advertisers I saw, linking them to an NGO’s designation of them as a hate site. (A link I no longer possess and can’t recover because websearch has ceased working. However, Vice does have an article.)

The bigger solution, of course, is to do something about England. The trend of kids in pubs is helping. But better access to childcare, more tolerance of babies in public spaces, more access to babysitting/childcare are all needed.

And while we’re at it: lift the benefit cap, make sure everyone has their basic needs met, recognise that the UN’s human rights includes not only food and shelter and so forth, but also leisure. There need to be free activities welcoming to mixed groups including people with kids and people without.

Women would stop joining mumsnet if they could get their social needs met by their existing networks. The stigmatisation of giving birth needs to end. And, in the mean time, getting new mums on to, say, federated social media like Mastodon, is honestly kind of a hard sell. For cis people who don’t care really about their trans friends’s political wellbeing outside of an abstract oh-dearism, leaving mumsnet doesn’t have the urgency of leaving US big tech. Federated social media does not having a ready made user base for new parents on the same scale. Again, this is a conversation people should try to have.

But, let’s be real, by “people” I mean cis people. Especially parents. Especially mothers. Because that’s who is going to have sway.

Strategies for Trans Organising

Background

When I came to this country, mainstream gay rights organisations were not trans inclusive. Indeed, often the opposite. I attended what was the UK’s largest trans protest at an awards banquet for one of them in which a terf was a nominee.

Things have moved on rather a lot. That protest was tiny compared to ones that have happened since. And virtually all organisations in that sector are now LGBTQ+. Given the sheer numbers of nonbinary young people, this seems like a very obvious step. However, there are a few ominous signs.

LGB(t) Labour had it’s gathering recently and is rumoured to have not invited their trans member. Given the way Labour has been hostile to trans people and especially trans youth, this is not a surprising development, although it is also a shocking development. The influence of the US also does suggest things could change quickly.

Holding the Line

It seems obvious that organisations that are currently LGBTQ+ should remain so. The vast majority of LGB people do support trans rights, so the membership of these organisations ought to be able to use their voices to prevent capitulation to the far right. Indeed, we are stronger together.

Organisations that are backsliding, such as LGBT Labour are theoretically answerable to their members, who can and should speak up.

Expanding our Alliances

LGBTQ+ issues are sometimes called “identity politics”, but this is something of a misnomer. The political issues we have are generally not with regards to how we use our minds, but rather with what we do with our bodies. Prejudice against us is mostly focussed on embodiment – of using our bodies in the wrong way. We should make common cause with others in similar positions.

We can and should reach out in solidarity to sex workers and drug addicts and others acting as if their body belongs only to themselves. We should not let respectability politics prevent us from building bridges with comrades who want to control their own embodiment.

LGB people, trans people, sex workers and drug addicts are groups that already have some membership cross over. Our issues are linked. A health system that fails or punishes drug addicts is also likely to have a paternalistic attitude towards trans people, failing many of us. All of us deserve better. We can show up to each other’s protests and build bridges.

Red Umbrellas vs Red Flags

This is the point where you would expect to find links to organisations. Unfortunately, I lost touch with the addicts group that I had collaborated with in the past, so I hope I get comments here with links. In the mean time, let’s talk about how to recognise comrades.

There are a lot of organisations that work with addicts, but we are looking for something run by and for addicts and that seeks to protect their rights and safety as drug users. They may be working to fight stigma, for decriminalisation, or for safe injection sites and access to clean needles.

Many organisations for drug users are trying to help people get clean. Of course, this is a decision people should be free to make, but this is not what we’re looking for. Anything advertising treatment programmes on their web page is a red flag. Instead we want to find people who are advocating for their rights as addicts, to live happy, safe lives, while remaining addicted if they choose. Those are the comrades we’re looking for. Note that they may also advocate for people in recovery programmes, but demand this be a free choice.

Similarly, we are looking for organisations run by and for sex workers, that are focussed on supporting their rights as workers. Groups like the European Sex Workers Rights Alliance. Many sex worker organisations use the red umbrella symbol (which is also sometimes used by mental health groups). Again, you are looking for organisation that are talking about things like stigma, decriminalisation and rights.

Rescue organisations, people trying to get sex workers into other industries, and “the Nordic Model” are all red flags. Because terfs and swerfs have significant crossover, you’ll find that trans people and sex workers often have the same enemies, which can be a strong basis to build from.

Unlearning our Biases

It’s easy to say we should get rid of respectability politics, but harder to do it. Several years ago, I co-organised a protest with an addict group and all of us were nervous about causing offence. None of us did. It was fine because we were all making an effort. I’m not saying that this will always go fine, but everyone making an effort goes a long way.

With any coalition, we don’t have to agree 100%. We only have to agree on what we’re demonstrating for or against. If we have the same enemies, that can be enough.

But also, it’s worth trying to broaden our perspectives. Seek out the voices of people most impacted by criminalisation and hear what they want. Trans people should have a central voice in trans treatment in the NHS. Addicts should have a central voice in their own treatment and criminalisation. Sex workers should be centred rather than seen as passive damsels waiting for rescue. Be on your best behaviour and remember we all deserve freedom to live our lives authentically.

Take Action for Trans people

If you want to skip to the form, click here.

Nobody on the Right Actually Cares about Women Athletes

The Trump administration has moved to deny visas to trans athletes ahead of the 2028 Olympic Games. The US State Department does not have the right to dictate policy to international sports organisations. But what’s more, the way the memo is written does not limit the ban to athletes.

Most of the MAGA movement is openly hostile to women. They ended the right to abortion in the US. They are actively working to make it harder for women to vote. It defies reason that people who want to entirely shut women out of public life actually see any value in women’s sports. They don’t care about women athletes. But they do care about hurting trans people.

This rule change has serious implications for trans people’s freedom of movement. It labels trans people’s documentation as fraudulent, which also has serious implications for any interaction a trans person may have with the federal government. The purported target is foreign athletes, but the victims will overwhelmingly be trans Americans. The Trump administrations is using the Olympics as an excuse and a first step to seriously impacting the ability of trans people to exist.

The International Olympic Committee has yet to comment on this development. The latest thing on their website is an announcement of a sponsorship deal. This is certainly not what the sponsors signed up for. But Anheiser-Busch InBev, as the world’s largest brewer, has acquired this problem. They also have influence. I am therefore asking you to write to them. The form below gives suggested text. When you hit the “send” button, it will put the message into your email program. I will not collect or have access to your addresses.

Email Form

Your name:

Your Country:

Subject:


Technical Issues

The form should open in your email client. If it did not, it did not send. You can still email manually:

In Europe: eu_media.relations@ab-inbev.com

In North America: media@anheuser-busch.com

Africa: mediarelations@sab.co.za

Asia Pacific: abimedia@cn.ab-inbev.com

South America: accomext@ambev.com.br

Middle America: media.relations@ab-inbev.com

Global headquarters: media.relations@ab-inbev.com

Note: I am not collecting your data.

The Election is Over (Let’s Go Back to Postcards)

Democrats control the House now, which is fantastic news! However, most of the assaults on trans rights have been coming straight from Trump, so we need to keep fighting.

In my previous post, I asked people to participate in a post card campaign. This is still ongoing. Please chip in! If you are outside the US, you can print the postcards in A6 format. Or, if you are in the US and going to Kinkos or the like, you might find that 2×2 is the best format.

Stack of stamped postcards

I’ve had my best luck getting people to put their names down by talking to people and asking them. Response has been overwhelmingly positive. My spouse says that these conversation are more important than the cards themselves. She says that by asking well-meaning liberals to consider trans rights, I’m asking them to think about things they haven’t previously considered, helping them gain empathy and converting them into allies. I’ve certainly seen people go from politely curious to fully engaged after only a very brief chat. As a part of this, I’ve been mostly going to parties and talking to friends of friends. I have not been disclosing during these conversation, but sharing worries about my friends in the US.

Another way to get people to fill these out is to just leave them around. They don’t use normal stamps from the UK, so I come back to collect them. I’ve left them with some text:

Stand up for the trans community in the US!

The Trump administration plans to ‘define transgender people out of existence.’ Put your name on a postcard to let them know that this is unacceptable.

Then either post the card yourself (don’t forget to attach a £1.25 stamp) or drop it in the box here, and we’ll post it for you.

Thank you for your help.

Contact: [My email address]

I’ve done some regrettable shoebox painting for this (I’m lying and telling people it was done by children.) A cereal box is roughly the same dimensions as a sheet of paper and can be tacked to a notice board. Cereal box with postcards

The election was just the beginning of the work we need to do to make the US safe for vulnerable people. This project has been easier than I thought it was going to be and has built meaningful connections. I’ve sent more than 160 postcards since I started. Before this, I spent months sitting in front of my computer fretting at the news. If we all took the time we spent doing that and directed half of it to campaigns like this, we could build a tremendous mass movement to oust Trump, to protect trans rights, migrant rights, and the environment. We are the ones we have been waiting for. We won’t be erased because we will stand up and demand to be seen.

Ways to support trans rights!

There’s a lot of good actions people can do to try to counter the latest Trump attack on trans people. Marching is good. Writing letters to all your local papers is very good. Like really all of them from the regular paper, to the free advertiser to the Bingo Bugle. When the letters get published, forward them to your elected representatives, the White House and the Department of Health and Human Services. You can also write to those people directly. A paper letter carries more weight than an email, especially if you’re writing to somebody on the other side. (Here is the DHHS’s address.)

You probably know some people who are well-meaning allies, but are not going to show up to a march or write any kind of letter. (No hate. Not everybody can do everything.) These folks, however, would be willing to sign a postcard. This is less good than a letter, but it’s better than nothing.

Linked here are two PDFs of postcards. Postcard4x6.pdf is a standard American 4×6 postcard format. PostcardA6.pdf is a metric A6 format postcard (in the size and shape used by every other country on earth). These are grayscale, so printing is relatively cheap.

If you print these out and take them to things, allies who don’t have the spoons for bigger actions will probably be willing to help with this one. If a lot of post starts arriving at DHHS, this will help. I went to a cabaret tonight and got like 50 of these filled out. I’ll take a stack to work tomorrow. I’m going to give a bunch to my friend who is active in a lefty church, so he can pass them out on Sunday. None of these folks would have done anything if I hadn’t asked for this easy thing.

We #WontBeErased

P.S. Also, please don’t forget to vote.

Hello American Allies

The New York Times is reporting that the Trump administration is trying to ‘define trans out of existence’. Of course, you can’t erase people by changing definitions, but it is certainly within the federal government’s powers to make the lives of trans people significantly more difficult. The consequences of the Trump administration’s actions would be extremely dire.

This change in definition is coming from the Department of Health and Human Services. They have an Office of Civil Rights. Alas, this is is headed by a Trump political appointee, but they are reachable by the public. While emailing them is possible, I suspect it’s more useful to send snail mail or fax. The pile of documentation is harder to ignore. There is a service that allows users to send a limited number of free faxes per day. Upload a PDF and send it to your regional office. I’ve put my own letter at the bottom of this post.

I’d also like to suggest you contact your representatives and two senators. Even if you know they agree that trans people deserve civil rights, it’s helpful to them if they can say there’s been an outpouring of concern. And if they don’t agree, an outpouring may help change their minds, especially so close to an election.

Speaking of which, I’d like to encourage you to vote – and to do so strategically. This is an emergency situation for trans people and many other vulnerable groups. Voting for a Democrat won’t overthrow capitalism, but a lot of people live in the wedge issues that separate the parties. Vote for the people who can’t vote.

Fellow Americans abroad, it’s not too late. You can still request your absentee ballot. If you’ve requested your ballot and haven’t received it, you can get a backup ballot for overseas voters called the Federal Write-in Absentee Ballot. Depending on where you are elligible to vote, some states will accept this ballot even if you have not previously registered.

 

 

Example Letter

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to oppose the proposed change with regard to gender. Making this fixed, genetic, and unchangeable flies in the face of medical opinion and common sense. A significant minority of people do change their genders. Trying to prevent this is a serious violation of their civil rights with no discernable state interest. This is unamerican.

Relying on genetics is also unscientific, as there are many people who’s physical sex characteristics are at odds with their genes. The Olympics quit using this definition after a woman who was found to be genetically male later gave birth – thus showing that the tests are not reliable even for people who are not transgender.

I strongly encourage the department of health and human services to do it’s job of protecting health instead of going out of it’s way to harm transgender people.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Teach about trans people

In our current political climate, I think it’s important for teachers and academics in every discipline to take a stand in favour of diversity and inclusion. One important way we can do that is to highlight contributions in our field by members of minority groups. One way into this in any discipline is by including some history. So in computer science, teachers could mention that Alan Turing was gay and that Grace Hopper, inventor of the compiler (and, indeed of the idea of compiling), was a woman.

When teaching music and presenting a piece of music to students, I give a few biographical notes about the composer which are mostly related to their musical background and influences. This is also a good time to mention any minority status. This is important because students will otherwise tend to assume that everyone is a cis, straight, white man. It can seem a bit weird to mention that someone is gay, for example, without other context. There are a few ways to address this.

If a person’s minority status is known to effected their opportunities, then this is is a good way to bring it up. To take an example, Milton Babbit was going to be the first director of The Columbia-Princeton Electronic Music Center. When they realised he was Jewish, they rescinded the offer and hired someone else. After a year, they came back to Babbit and re-offered him the job. It’s good to tell students about this and condemn it, to let them know that discrimination was more recent and widespread than they may have imagined and to give the idea that it was wrong and should be opposed.

Another way to bring up somebody’s status as a minority applies if they were a member of a milieu at least partly defined by minority participation. So, for example, a lot of jazz musicians are black and, indeed, some American forms of free improvisation were called “black music”. In general, mentioning milieus is good because it gives students a sense of larger scenes and places they might do additional research. It also communicates that minority involvement was significant and larger than the few individuals discussed in class.

Otherwise, a way to bring up a person’s membership in minority groups is to just tell students you think it’s important to mention it so they know the field is diverse. This is also good because it demonstrates that inclusion is valuable.

It’s important not to make somebody’s status as a minority the defining thing about them. They’re a topic for the class because they relate to the subject the class is covering, not because they’re a minority. One must strike a balance so as to communicate that minorities have historically been part of a discipline and contributions are important and will continue. Over-emphasising their minority status can backfire and make it seem like they’re being highlighted for being weird and different. I try to bring minority community membership up just once and then not mention it again unless it’s relevant in their work.

With contested identities, such as trans people,talking about their background models how to speak respectfully. It’s important that if a student starts giggling or otherwise treating this as a joke, that they’re told to stop. Here is a guide for how to talk about trans people in the classroom.

  • If the person is not living, you should definitely mention that they were trans.
  • If the person is living, you can only say they were trans if the person has consented to this by being public about their trans status.
  • If a person has transitioned to being a woman, the term to use when talking about them being trans is “trans woman” and the pronoun to use is “she”. If they have transitioned to being a man, the term to use when talking about them being trans is “trans man” and the pronoun to use is “he”. If someone has transitioned to a non-binary gender identity, the term to use when talking about this is “enby” (which is a pronunciation of the initials N.B.) and the pronoun to use is “they”. In every case, if the person has expressed a different label or pronoun, you should follow their preferences.
  • Always use their current pronoun, no matter when in their life you are speaking about them.
  • Do not bring up somebody’s previous name without a good reason. Mention it as little as possible.
  • If any of this makes you feel awkward, practice this part of your classroom presentation on a friend until you feel normal about it.

To give an example of how I might talk about this:

Wendy Carlos has done a lot of work on spatialisation and has some good blog posts about it – I’ve put the links on Moodle. She is an American composer who started out at Columbia-Princeton, but then went in a less experimental/more popular direction. She’s best known for working with Moog synthesiser and worked directly with engineers there to design modules, which she used to do several film sound tracks, including Tron and A Clockwork Orange. She initially made her name with Switched on Bach which was a recording of Bach pieces done on synthesiser. This album was hugely popular, made her famous and made a lot of money. She used some of the proceeds of the album to fund her transition, which she kept secret for nearly a decade- dressing up as a man when she appeared publicly because she feared discrimination. Fortunately, when she finally did disclose in 1979, nothing much bad came of it, but it must have been miserable to spend so many years in (reasonable) fear of a backlash.

The popularity of her work shows a strong popular appetite for new timbres, but in a familiar context, like Bach. We’re going to listen to a piece by her …

When you’re talking about a member of any minority group, it’s best to assume that at least one of your students in a member of that community. the intent is to be respectful and to make that student feel included, while at the same time giving other students the idea that members of this minority groups belong in their field. Never be neutral about discrimination.

It’s impossible to get this right every time. Sometimes talking too much about discrimination can traumatise the students who also experience it, or glossing over it can fail to condemn it forcefully enough. The important thing is to keep trying to include this and to get a feel for the students you’re teaching, as every group and every institution will be different. You may find, for example, that student comments about works by women tend to be more negative than works by men. One way you might address this is to present the works first and ask for comments and only talk about biographies afterwards.

Keep trying things out. We can make a positive difference in our teaching, no matter what our subject it.

Speaking up

Friends, I need you to say something if somebody around you is saying or doing something transphobic. Even if it’s awkward.

Why This is Important

I watched the BBC’s coverage of the election night and they interviewed many Trump supporters. I know these people are not representative of voters as a whole, but just about every single one of them said, without embarrassment, on camera, that they were against transgender people. These folks are largely misinformed and afraid of a false picture of trans people.

It’s dark times in the world. If somebody starts talking badly about minority groups, it may not be just talk. They may be working themselves up to action. Maybe they’re going to say something mean or do something mean or cast a ballot. They may be trying to gauge what people around them think – to determine if there’s consensus before they act. It’s up to you to speak up. Firstly, to let them know there’s not consensus. Secondly, depending on your relationship with them, to bring them around. Unfriending bigots has not worked out. We need, instead, to talk with them.

The SPLC has a great resource on talking to bigots. You should read it, but I’m going to give you some trans-specific devices here as well. (Trigger warnings for trans people.)

If you think this is less important than climate change and nuclear proliferation, remember this is why people said they voted.

Getting Started

There are two easy sentences I want you to have ready, that help with many a situation. Memorise them, Practice them:

‘Trans women are women.’
‘Trans men are men.’

A lot of transphobia involves assertions that we are not really our current gender. We are. Be ready to say it directly.

Modelling

This is a gentle way to challenge transphobia, but alas, is still very awkward. This makes it a good place to start.

In modelling you re-state what somebody just said but with correct language.

Them: I think Bradley Manning is a [hero/traitor].
You: Why do you think Chelsea Manning is a [hero/traitor]?

Them: He was Bradley when he leaked the documents.
You: Yes, she leaked the documents before she transitioned.

When talking about somebody trans, use their current name and pronouns. Don’t say, ‘When Bradley was a man.’ Say, ‘Before Chelsea transitioned.’ This respects her current identity and helps keep people from tripping over pronouns. It’s very hard to get the right pronouns for somebody if you keep switching them up depending on when you’re talking about.

Perhaps your friend gets frustrated:

Them: This isn’t important!
You: It’s important to trans people. I know my trans friend said…

You Have a Trans Friend

We’re friends. I’m your trans friend. I’m giving you permission to use me as rhetorical device in conversations. First we need to talk about when you can use this:

Scenario :

Them: Trans people are [ugly|crazy].
You: My trans friend is [fairly unremarkably average looking | in ok mental health].

Yes! This is a good usage of having a trans friend – as a counter-example to a blanket assertion.

Scenario #2:

Them: I think what you just said may actually be kind of transphobic.
You: I have a trans friend!

No! Do not use me as a shield.

Scenario #3:

Them: Oh my god, the weather is too hot!
You: My trans friend likes the heat.

No! Only bring this up where it’s relevant.

Tl;dr: Bring up having a trans friend to challenge blanket assertions and stereotypes.

This is also a way to make things personal. If bigotry could be challenged by facts and statistics, it would already be over. Human connections are key to ending it. This is why Harvey Milk encouraged gay people to come out. Unfortunately, this strategy doesn’t work as well for trans people, partly because there are so few of us. I need you, my friend, to help humanise us.

Bathrooms

One place people have been campaigning against us is our access to toilets, bathrooms and changing rooms. This is specific to trans women, so having a trans man friend (me) won’t be as useful, but I can give you some pointers.

If somebody you know starts talking about feeling uncomfortable about sharing facilities with trans people, remember your very first two sentences: Trans women are women. Trans men are men.

What we now call ‘rape culture’ used to be referred to as ‘male violence.’ Sometimes people will start talking about ‘male bodied’ people. But: trans women are women. Violence does not stem from bodies. If certain classes of bodies were the sources of violence, then there’s no hope of ever combating it. It would be a biological fact.

Violence comes from culture. Rape culture is what Donald Trump has done and bragged about. It’s not embedded in his physical form.

Trans women inhabit the cultural space of womanhood. Terms like ‘female bodied’ don’t reflect cultural roles. They reflect only what a birth certificate said.

So how do you talk about this?

Them: I’m worried about male bodied people in the changing room.
You: Trans women are also effected by rape culture.

You’ve responded to their fears, you’ve modelled a correct way to talk about trans people and you’ve shown that trans women have fears in common with them. If you want to make a personal humanising connection as the conversation continues, that’s where your trans friend comes in.

Again, I’m not a trans woman. But I (and nearly every trans person I know) have had to physically run away from a scary transphobic incident in a toilet. When I use a public toilet, I get out as fast as possible, which is something I’ve heard most of my trans friends say. Those of you who have been bullied in school bathrooms can relate to this, I’m sure.

I’ve also been barred entry to toilets. Being denied entry to one toilet did not give me access to the other toilet. I just wasn’t allowed to pee at all. But when you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go! I used to make a habit of trying to hold it. Part of this involved drinking less water. I got some weird infection from chronic dehydration. Again, this is common among trans people.

If I’m not allowed to pee when out about about, this limits how long I can stay outside my home. If I can’t use a toilet at work or in the train station, I can’t keep my job. Keeping trans people out of public or school toilets keeps us out of public and out of school. Special ‘family’ toilets are great for people who want them and we should build more of them, but they’re not always available and mark us out. I’m a man. I use the men’s room.

I’m sharing this so you can use it – because emotion and human connections matter more than facts and figures. This is not statistics, this is the life of someone you know. Make it personal.

Keep Trying

Conversations are going to be awkward. The first one often won’t change minds. If somebody says something and you’re unsure how to respond, think about it later to come up with a better reply.

Even if it feels like you’ve failed and made things uncomfortable, do remember that you have communicated a lack of consensus. This is important.

Also, if you spoke up in public – say, to challenge a sex change joke, you don’t know who overheard you. Hearing jokes like that sucks. Hearing a subsequent challenge restores hope.

Finally

Feel free to share this. I will try to answer questions in the comments.

Live blog: Open Meeting of Pride London

We’re in the basement of city hall. The room is not very full. Most of the people here are white cis gay men. Everyone at the front appears to be white and not young.

Apparently, at the last meeting some people were thrown out by security, but this time only the chair can eject people.

The board is now introducing itself. The first guy does all the stuff. The woman finds sponsors. Social media. Treasurer. So most of the people deal with office stuff and one guy actually does the festival?

The chair says they are focused on the community. They got control of pride in 2012 and need to be self-financing by 2018. The chair is invoking Orlando. They have some successes. Good at advertising, bigger great, low crime rates, worked with black pride.

Subsidised walking places for NGOs. Did a hustings. Did a lgbt history month event. They are claiming they ran the Soho vigil after Orlando.

They did some survey on survey monkey. 90% of respondents were cis. Most were men. Mostly atheist. Hugely white. 74%

They got respondents through their social media presence. The sample was large.

People come to pride because they want to celebrate. A small number have come to make a statement. Many just come for the parade. Satisfaction with the parade was high.

Volunteers were helpful. Accessibility was lures good. Allies felt more represented in the parade then lesbians did.

People are happy to see corporate involvement.

The community engagement board has some vacancies. You must be a member and official representative of a community group. The board vets every group in the parade.

They’ve got a silver in accessibility and are trying to improve.

‘Pride’s got talent’ continues to grow. It was a ‘very professional’ final (of unpaid talent).

Pride in London has joined international pride organisations. There is now a UK pride organisers conference.

Pride’s got Talent will be split. They want to provide an umbrella for festival events. They will do something for history month and Idahobit.

They want to reach out to women and minority groups including trans people, bme people and young people.

307 groups in the parade.
Announcement podiums through the route.

Trafalgar square had done speakers. The red arrows flew overhead. (Doing great reachout to minority groups…)

Lgbt businesses got involved.

The us ambassador got emotional at the Orlando tribute.

Official after parties raised some funds.

Most volunteers were cis gay white men.

Income is going up. Costs are below income. Funding from the mayor will go down next year.

Most of the costs are on Trafalgar square. Then the parade, then Soho. Then the picnic.

Sponsorship grew this year, including gifts in kind. They got 7 new giant companies to give them stuff. They got money from gay businesses. They collected change etc from people. They will collect for a charity.

They want to diversify their funding. They have grown their fundraising team. Now they’re showing corporate logos.

The communications guy is now talking about good media coverage. Much of this was due to Orlando. The abfab involvement also helped.

Their research got a BBC news story.

They got coverage from a bunch of news outlets. Social media engagement has been high. A million page views. Lots of twitter followers. They have more followers than other pride campaigns. They have an app with lots of downloads.

The proposing bobby story got lots of coverage.

The campaign was #nofilter which was meant to refer to people in the closet. And as a call for people to celebrate the spirit of pride and authenticity.

This was a massive success, they say. They got some free ad agency support. This was the biggest pride campaign ever. They got on telly. They showed some trans couples. They got on MTV. They wanted more women, trans, bi and BME people in their ads. And they won some marketing adverts.

The marketing came in under budget.

They put up billboards on Westfield, put up some films. They took their hash tag nationally.

They are revealing the shocking news that not everyone is 100% out all the time.

Made an impact on the marketing industry. One of the trans people is a soldier. Which is very positive.

Their research indicated that looking at trans soldiers makes cis people more comfortable with trans people. As did the involvement of mainstream brands.

The sponsors were happy.

Now they’re taking questions:

Somebody is adding about the parade route.

They can’t afford to do the festival in a park.

Uk Black Pride wants to know how survey data will be used.

The community board uses it for their review. They want to figure out why black respondents are less satisfied with the event. The data is stated with sponsors and to improve pride, but is not sold. It is also used for their educational outreach.

Now there is a question about parks. The board member is taking about all the parks.

Now somebody is taking about security. The board member is taking about volunteer training.

What happens when the 5 year mandate has been met? The mayor is very committed to pride.

Will pride ever have paid tickets? They want to keep the event as free as possible, so they ask for suggested donations. There is no plan to have paid tickets. They are committed to appropriate crowd control.

What about emergency services in pride? The emergency services are an important part of the city. We are very grateful to emergency services and want them to be part of it.

The 2017 date will be confirmed imminently.

The lgbt cons want to know why political groups are placed at the back of the parade. The board wants every group on the parade to be respected. They try to avoid putting groups next to each other that won’t get along.

Jo is asking also about politics at the back and also about individuals who want to march outside of a group.

The board days they were concerned about health and safety in light of Orlando. If everyone who was concerned about Orlando had marched, it would have brought central London to a standstill. They need to pay for stewarding, which means supporting paid groups first.

Somebody who wants biodegradable confetti cannons on Twitter. They are expensive to clean up.

Somebody wants to know the relationship between the picnic and black pride. Could the parade be as diverse as black pride? Also why was the sound system so crap at the black stage?

There was some poor communication around staging.

The trans representative from the CAB is happy there were more trans people than previously and how will the board increase trans participation? The board member is keen to help on trans stuff and also to speak over the trans representative. They only have so much budget. They want to have a trans cafe, but need to make collective decisions. Their sponsors are really great for trans visibility and we can learn from our sponsors. There are a lot of vacancies and they want trans volunteers.

Responding

Yes, respond!

If you just unfriend somebody, they are allowed to believe they are in a consensus where such jokes are allowable. This helps create a climate of hostility against trans people, especially trans women. It’s important to let people know that dehumanising trans people is not considered acceptable by everyone they know.

How you decide to respond is a bit more complex. Has anyone else responded? If someone else has already responded, how you you further engage depends on how the conversation is going. It may be enough to simply click like on their challenge or post that you agree with them. Jumping into the breach, ready for a flame war, may be counter-productive.

Its also necessary to be aware of who is witnessing a conversation. If you take a micro-aggression and blow it up into a flame war, this will be uncomfortable for people who are members of the effected class. It may be best to start gently and take further discussion to private message, to avoid alarming or harming bystanders. Starting publicly is a good idea for a few reasons, one of which is that it shows open solidarity with people effected by prejudice, in a place where they can see it when (or if) they see the comment that caused you to reply.

And, indeed, starting gently can often be the way forward. White fragility is a thing where if you tell a white person they just did or said something racist, their reaction is often hugely out of proportion. This kind of fragility exists in greater or lesser degrees for other kinds of prejudice as well. It may be that the best way to deal with a transphobic joke is to not mention the word ‘transphobia’, but rather say that you think their joke isn’t funny because it’s unfair or mean.

Where you go from there depends on who you are talking to and the circumstances in which they made an ill-advised comment. Your first priority should be solidarity with people effected by the comment. Your next priority is bringing your friend around, so that they see why they said was problematic and why it’s important to respect people different from themselves.

It isn’t easy speaking up and it’s hard to know the right thing to say. Remember that it’s easier for you than it is for somebody who is the target of hateful speech or jokes. This is a skill and it takes practice and it will go badly at least some of the time. Indeed, as we’re all living in a prejudiced world, sometimes it will go completely wrong and you will end up saying something problematic without meaning to and get yelled at by somebody you meant to be an ally to. You should still speak up.

Speaking up won’t work every time, but it will work some of the time. This is how the world changes and becomes better. Minds can and will be changed