Les said, the better II

Around 13:20, I went to the doctor’s office and the door was locked, so I went home and called and I have an appointment for 5:00 tomorrow. I feel better every day, so this is going away on it’s own. But it would be nice to know that I don’t actually have heart problems. Not that I think I do, rationally.

Yesterday I walked for like 2.5 hours from my house to the Cité de la Musique, which is out at the edge of the 19th, just barely still within Paris. I followed the St. Martin Canal. I need to look at a map to figure out where I was.
Today, I walked the other direction, along the covered portion of the canal to Bastille, where it becomes uncovered again. There’s a nice garden there. I left much later. It was dusk. I took some pictures of posies peeking out from the snow.
My computer is kind of freaking me out, (because i’m CRAZY), so more later.
Tags: Paris, Celesteh

pharmacist says i should see a doctor tomorrow. gave me an address. ( ha, of course, i’m certain i’ll be DEAD by then! of tetanus! aiieee! )

it’s nice that pharmacists can give out such information. also, there’s a clinic down the street and i can just walk in.
Tags: Paris, Celesteh

Any of y’all got advice for dealing with anxiety? Can it be caused by short days and not enough sunlight, or what? I’ve felt anxious the last three winters, but, you know, my mom died and then I got divorced and stuff. Also, when I was at Wesleyan, I would get anxious as all my due dates arrived for final projects and then I would go home to California and feel more relaxed and much warmer. This is my first solstice away from California and I’ve got no deadlines I can think of and no source of stress aside from daily life and I’m as anxious as I’ve ever been. It’s driving me crazy . . . so to speak.

One day in the summer in New York, I received a particularly stressful letter from an adversarial divorce lawyer and shortly thereafter, my neck began to hurt a lot and I, quite reasonably, decided that I had tetanus and went to an NYC emergency room where a nice doctor told me that I probably didn’t have it. I’m avoiding repeating that embarrassment and am not running to an emergency room saying that I’m having a heart attack. However, anxiety + rapid heart beat + occasional chest pains is somewhat alarming, which tends to cause anxiety, which, yikes, vicious circle! If it’s not being caused by heart problems, it’s going to cause them.
I’ve cut out coffee and tea. I got for at least a half hour walk between 10-14, when the sun is high in the sky. I take vitamins. I sleep enough hours. I breathe deeply. And still, every goddamn day I find myself spending time feeling freaked out. But, you know, functionally so. Tomorrow, I’m cutting out sugar. And going to see a doctor tomorrow, I guess. I hate doctors. They make me anxious. ha ha ha. And seriously, wtf are they going to do for me? If I feel anxious every single day, punctuated by periodic panic attacks. I can’t be popping Xanax 24/7. Bah, the week between Christmas and New Years. Maybe I should just go to an emergency room, because then my stupid travel insurance might cover it and it’s not like I have any idea how else to access healthcare and isn’t everyone on vacation right now anyway.
After this year, I’m spending every winter in Berkeley or south of these from then on. Also, apparently, my exes are right and I’m one of the crazy people. Alas. Or, you know, I’m really having a heart attack…
Tags: Anxiety , Paris, Celesteh

Merry Xmas, all. If anybody is interested in VOIPing, I’ll be on and off iChat during my journée. AIM: s105h13

If Alex Ross is doing it, it must have spread beyond livejournal.

Four jobs you’ve had in your life: fast food, computer programmer, TA, lab assistant.
Four movies you could watch over and over: Run Lola Run, Heathers, um…. there are some books I could read over and over: Horse Heaven By Jane Smiley, The Wizard of Oz and the rest of the series by Frank Baum, The Lord of the Rings by Tolkien. Oh, that’s a movie too. I guess I could watch it a bunch of times.
Four places you’ve lived: Cupertino, California; Berkeley, California; Middletown, Connecticut; Paris, France
Four TV shows you love to watch: Dr. Who, The Daily Show, The X files, Star Academy
Four places you’ve been on vacation: Hawaii; Belize; St. Petersburg, Russia; Portland, Oregon
Four websites you visit daily: Wonkette, Fafblog, Atrios, Overheard in New York.
Four of your favorite foods: broccoli, tofu & rice; baguettes; bbq corn and madelines.
Four places you’d rather be: (aside from Pairs?) Berkeley, Santa Cruz (on the beach), Berkeley and Berkeley.

Bonus round: 4 favorite cheeses: Emmental, Gruyevre, St. Nectair, Camembert.
Tags: Meme, Celesteh

Christmas is a’comin and it’s time to figure out what shopping I need to do. I thought that the franco-american hybrid vegetarian christmas food might be somewhat interesting. (Also somewhat interesting: “le bouffe” is vulgar. How can a word that means “food” be vulgar?) Also, I need real recipes for some of these things. I dunno if I can fake french toast.

An asterix means that I need to buy it. Parenthetical means that I’ll prepare it if Santa brings it.

Breakfast

Pain Perdue

• Brioche
• eggs *
• butter *
• soy milk
• sugar *
• cinnamon, etc

(pamplemousse)

Beverages

• mimosas: oj + champagne
• coffee *

The big meal

(salad)

I dunno about salad. It’s a lot of work for rabbit food.

Mashed taters

• potatoes *
• garlic
• creme fraîche
• soy milk
• butter *
• emmental

Yams

• yams *
• butter *
• raisins *
• maple syrup *

Gravy

• mushrooms
• onion
• garlic
• flour
• olive oil and/or butter
• soy milk *
• celery *

String beans

• 1/2 kilo haricots vert *
• butter *

Squash soup

• pre-baked Squash (I saw some butternut squashes at the hippie store!) *
• pre-baked Chestnuts
• onion
• garlic
• hot pepper (*)
• carrots
• rice and/or quinoza
• broccoli *
• celery *
• butter
• creme fraîche

Cheese

• st nectaire *
• tba other cheese *
• baguettes *

Dessert

I reserved a Christmas cake from the baker. I love living in a civilised country where you are not expected to perform baking feats, but can get a very high quality cake from across the street.

Beverages

• mulled cider: spice + apple juice
• mulled wine: spice + cheap wine (maybe santa wants to bring an extra bottle for mulling)
• good wine
• (cognac)

Tags: Paris, Celesteh

Recently, the world’s frist partial face transplant was performed in France. The recipient’s labrador had bitten off part of her face while she was unconscious. Apparently, this is normal for dogs. It tried to wake her up by pawing at her, and when she failed to respond, it started chewing on her. Who knows when the next meal is coming, better to eat the hand that used to feed you.

If you fall and hit your head and get knocked out, maybe your dog will be heroic like Lassie and run for help. Or maybe it will eat your face. How do you know ahead of time if your dog will try to save you or grab a snack? You don’t.
I haven’t seen Xena in weeks and weeks, but now I think of her a bit less fondly. She never was particularly affectionate. Oh, sure, she seemed to love me while I was awake. But if she nosed me in the morning and I didn’t wake up, would I become dog food? Possibly. Maybe when somebody else came home, she would run around excitedly with my head like sho normally does with a chew toy. It could happen. You don’t know.
Your pets look at you like you look at them. In case of emergency: emergency rations. Can that really be love?
Tags: Dogs, Celesteh

I submitted my UC Berkeley Application on Thursday. Yikes. I have no idea about one of my recc letters, so I de-listed it. My former advisor has also been very quiet about whether or not he sent anything, but I would be surprised if he did not. Why are the deadlines so close to final exams?

Friday morning, T blew through town again. We wondered around Montparnasse and did a teeny but of Xmas shopping. The next day, we hopped on a train for Bordeaux, which I’m sure you’re aware, is in the south west of France. We arrived and walked around town for a while, which was done up in beaucoup de holiday decorations. Lights were everywhere! We went to the Marché de Noël and wandered around some. It was very charming and stuffed full of food vendors. I purchased a hat, which I like. Then we wandered around looking for food.
It turns out that traditional food of Aquitaine is not entirely vegetarian friendly. I’ve never heard of so many different kinds of pork. We finally went to an “Italian” restaurant. It’s often interesting to see how one country does ethnic food from other countries. I don’t recall seeing emmental as an ingredient in Italy. I got gnocchi drenched in cream and cheese. It was good. Sort of a franco-italian hybrid.
The next morning we went to a café / coffee shop that I swear could have been plucked form Berkeley and dropped into Bordeaux. The cafés in the touristy part of Bordeaux have much more similarity to Berkeley’s “french” coffee shops than do the cafés of Paris. After drinking too much coffee, we went to look in the Cathedral and then went wine tasting.
The wine tasting was a bi-lingual tour, with most of the information being repeated in English after it was explained in French. The bus ride to the wineries was full of information about the history of Bordeaux and it’s wine trade. Bordeaux is the major city in the Aquitaine region. Elanor of Aquitaine was a woman in the 11th century who controlled a large portion of France. She was first married to the French king, but after he was out of the picture (died, probably), the land holdings reverted to her. She then married the king of England and Aquitaine became English property for the next few hundred years. Her son from her second marriage was Richard the Lionhearted, the good king who went on crusades and left somebody crappy to replace him, thus forcing Robin Hood to spring into action and forcibly redistribute wealth. His temporary replacement also signed the Magna Carta. Anyway, fast forward a few hundred years to the Hundred Years War. The French king, with the help of Joan of Arc, regained control of all of the continental holdings of the English. Bordeaux was banned from trading with England. Sine the English were nuts for Bordeaux’s wine and bought almost all of it, the people of the region were unhappy and went into revolt. The last battle of the Hundred Years war was fought near the city of Bordeaux. Talbot, then in his 70’s, was called out of retirement to help re-take Bordeaux. The English were completely defeated and the French king installed towers to track the coming and going of the people of Bordeaux and make sure they didn’t revert to their English ways.
The wine was good too.
For dinner, we managed to go to a traditional restaurant which had a few vegetarian options. Is there anything better than caramelized onions, cream and cheese baked together? No, there is not.
After dinner, we went back to the Marché de Noël with the goal of trying the Bière Chaud. That’s hot beer, a speciality of Alsace, which was for sale at the market. It was basically a spiced Christmas beer, served at the same temperature that mulled wine is served. It had a strong flavor of cloves and was drinkable, except for the bitter, awful aftertaste. It was as if they had used the bitterest, nastiest hops in the world. I shudder thinking of it now. Cola and T did not experience this aftertaste, which is strange. So I tried it again, but it was really there. Maybe I can taste some bitter hops oils that some other people can’t taste. Maybe this is why I hate IPA and other people like it. Weird. I cannot recommend the bière chaud and may even shudder if you mention it to me. The vin chaud, however, was another story. It goes really well with cotton candy, “barbe à papa.” (Literally, “daddy’s beard.”)
The next day, T left for Spain and Cola and I returned to Paris. I just now realized that Christmas is coming this Sunday. Oh my god, I haven’t purchased Cola a present yet! And I need to buy a tree and food and figure out what we’re going to eat! So much to do!
Tags: Bordeaux, Celesteh

If I never eat anything else with cheese, cream, milk and butter again. . . ..

Back from Bordeaux and going on a vegan fast. I’ll tell you about my trip after I finish having a coronary.
Tags: Paris, Celesteh

Now with expanded goal section!!

As an undergraduate, I went to Mills College to study computer science, but I quickly found myself gravitating to the Center for Contemporary Music. I studied electronic music with Maggi Payne, who taught synthesis techniques on a large Moog Modular Synthesizer. Its sound and musical possibilities captivated me, and I decided to double-major in music and computer science.
After graduation, I became immersed in Java and web programming and the dot com boom and I did not compose for a couple of years. I began creating tape music again in 2000, with an analog modular synthesizer. My method of creating music was to record interesting patches until I had enough of them for a piece, and then find an interesting way to mix them together. The compositional forms I used tended to be either intuitive or sonata form. After writing many such tape pieces, I branched out into acoustic instruments and focused on rhythm. In 2002, I organized a percussion quintet, for whom I wrote music.
That same year, I began volunteering for Other Minds, a New Music nonprofit in San Francisco. I was a driver for their festival and then I helped them catalog their tape archive and worked for them as a volunteer sound engineer. In 2003, I joined the board of directors.
Also in 2003, I composed a piece for a mechanized coin-operated toy piano nonette designed by Trimpin. The odd intonation of toy pianos got me interested in pitch and tuning. I studied Just Intonation techniques with composer Ellen Fullman and took on the Java Just Intonation Calculator project, for which I am now the lead programmer (see http://jjicalc.sf.net). My interest in tuning also led me to the fretless bass guitar, which I played in an improv art rock quartet. We had a few gigs in the spring and summer of 2003.
When I arrived at Wesleyan in the fall of 2003, I decided to focus on things that are not possible with my main instrument, the analog modular synthesizer. Taking advantage of being surrounded by performers, I created several compositions for acoustic instruments; I also played tuba in Anthony Braxton’s Ensemble. I worked with him: studying free improvisation and also helping him debug his SuperCollider patches.
My main focus, however, was studying SuperCollider with Ron Kuivila. I concentrated on tuning and on working with audio files using granular synthesis techniques. For source material, I generally used recordings of the voices of recognizable public political figures such as George Bush and various right wing pundits. Most of the pundits sound very angry, so I also include more meditative just intoned works interspersed with the politics. I’ve applied my homebrewed granular algorithms to process live audio input, as well.
At Wesleyan my music became more rigorously organized and algorithmic, and less intuitive. To some extent, this was because of the tools I was using, but I also began to feel that a purely intuitive approach had its shortcomings. I’ve continued to work on form and computer music techniques since receiving my degree. I thought a year abroad would contribute to my education in many ways: I was accepted into the program at CCMIX in Alfortville, France, in fall of 2005. I’m studying timbre, both how to manipulate it electronically, and how to make use of it within a form. I believe this will complement my interest in tuning.
Berkeley and CNMAT seem like the most obvious next steps in my path. As a long-time Bay Area resident, I’ve attended many CNMAT events that have affected my music. For instance, in 2002, I saw a concert where Professor Wessel improvised with Pauline Oliveros. He played granular synthesis algorithms where he processed sound from recordings released by Oliveros. That was the most convincing demonstration I had yet seen of granular synthesis and is what sparked my interest in that technique.
Of course, when I was a MAX programmer, I made frequent uses of objects developed by Berkeley, especially the multislider object, which was one of the closest things to a vector object available in MAX. Doing computer music means using tools developed at Berkeley. My primary music language now is SuperCollider 3, which uses OSC as a backbone for interprocess communication. This protocol was developed at Berkeley. In August 2004, I went to the OSC conference sponsored by CNMAT. One of the things discussed at this conference was the need for an authentication layer. The security problems inherent in SwingOSC seem to indicate that this is still an open problem. As a Java programmer, I’m both excited by SwingOSC and spooked by the huge security risks. Therefore, if admitted to Berkeley, one thing I would like to do is work on OSC authentication.
My primary goals are, of course, musical. I enjoy programming and technology, but I see it as a means to an end of creating interesting sounds. I love new ideas and I find that they tend to come from new tools. A new tool leads to a new way of thinking about sound, or vice versa. Being a part of a musical community also leads to new ideas, especially in a community such as Berkeley, where the goals are to create new things. I hope that being at Berkeley will take my music in new and unpredictable directions.
After graduation, I hope to teach or even become a professor. While I was a TA at Wesleyan, I discovered that I like teaching. Also, there are a lot of benefits for composers who are attached to universities, like access to performers and facilities and being part of a musical community. By teaching, I would be able to share my knowledge and expand the userbase for my favorite tools. There is no better path to becoming a professor than a PhD from UC.
Berkeley is my first choice for schools because of its excellent reputation and because it is a leader in developing computer music technologies. With my background as a computer programmer, I hope to be able to help develop the next pieces of audio software and to use them to create art. Berkeley is ideally situated for me both in terms of educational philosophy and physical location. While there, I would be able to continue all of my interests: composing, performing, improvising and programming, and I would be returning to the Bay Area: my home and a place where I have many musical contacts.

The added new paragraphs are as rough as ring-modulated square waves . . . Or ten cent off tones . . .. Ahem. Going to submit this before midnight tonight Pacific Time.

Tags: UC, Celesteh