Too much of a good thing

My friend paula let me know that one of her nieghbors might be searching for a subletter. It was kind of uncertain. Would he go? When would he go? I went to look at a flat in Lewisham that day and agreed to rent it because it was the first place that would have me and because it had many advantages.

Then, i got a call about the subletting thing. It’s an entire flat, right by the tower bridge, for not much more than i was going to pay for a room to the south. The location is astonishingly good. The rent – given the location – is astonishingly reasonable.

So, despite that i have to be out of brum <em>tomorrow</b> and despite having given a small deposit to the lewisham landlord and etc etc etc, i went this morning to look at the tower bridge flat.  And i told the guy yes and even left some stuff there, but i am completely uncertain now that i’ve stepped away.

Whatever i do at this point, i’m flaking on somebody. I should have told him that i would let him know in the morning, but the timing is insane and i’m not exactly military-grade when it comes to dealing with pressure. So i said yes, but now i don’t know and i need to know by tomorrow morning, because i’m going to rent a station wagon and i should have an idea to where i’m driving it. Also, if i flake on tower bridge guy, i need to let him know that before he goes to the bank and sets up the direct deposit.

So, lewisham is not as central. The tower bridge is unthinkably, i-can’t-believe-it central.  I say i want to do urban living, and that often means one bedroom flats in big buildings. It means taking the dog to a park and not having a garden. It means, often, living alone.

I’ve never had a hoisemate/ living situation ever get quite as disfunctional as the one i’m leaving. I’ve never lived alone either. Alone would be an improvement, for certain. I don’t want to get all Bridget Jones, but i do wonder sometimes: if i died suddenly, would anyone even notice?  I mean, i certainly don’t want to suddenly keel over dead, but if i do, i don’t want to think my corpse would go undiscovered for very long. I mean, my dog will need to go for a walk.  So, alas, i’m kind of afraid of living alone.

I kind of want a garden, despite my urban affectations. Also, the lewisham landlord’s daughter makes extra cash dog sitting. I would likely not need to find a kennel in july. I would have housemates. A huge, sunny room, a garden, another dog to keep mine company. And no gap.

The tower bridge guy is not leaving until next weekend. Paula has recwntly torn her living room to bits. She’s in no mood for me + dog + girlfriend. However, its what there is. Or a hotel. Or camping on a hastily planned bike trip while my maps are packed someplace.

So living right next to Paula would be awesome, as i’m very fond of her. Otherwise, i’m about 30 – 40 minites away. And my commute to school is also lenngthened.  Or i could have an awesome location for an amount only slightly beyond my budget. With no dog sitting. No garden. No idea where i will spend tuesday night.

Also, i’ve been stealth with tower bridge guy. I can say that documents say ‘miss’ because of confusion around my name. But if he sees my passport or something . . .. In addition to everything else, i was stressing about this too.

What would you give up for location? This whole move is about location. About trying to be in the middle of things. But also about trying to find community and feel less alone.

I’m stumped. I have 12 hours. I’m a terrible flake.