*pained noise here*

After Christi didn’t show up, I sent her some email asking her about rescheduling, etc. I thought that she didn’t write back, but I just found her reply hiding amidst supercollider mailing list crap

She doesn’t want to work it out. not ever.
I was a fool to break up with her
maybe this would have happened anyway.
I love her. I counted her as the most important thing in my life for a third of my life.
My shrink says that I should let myself feel sad when I feel sad.

this is so so so wrong. this isn’t supposed to happen. there must be some mistake somewhere. we’re married. we’re supposed to love each other. i was thinking all day about how much i miss her…..
alas alas alas alas woe misery
it would be very bad to call her right now and i’m not going to do it. very bad. very very bad.